Thank you, body.

Hello,


I hope, as always, this post finds you really well and happy.


I feel inspired to write today as, whilst reading Fearne Cotton's amazing book "Happy", a book that's about "finding the joy in everyday and letting go of 'perfect'", I want to say thank you to my body.


Now, that may seem quite strange, but in the book, Fearne talks about the importance of loving, nurturing and respecting this living and breathing matter that enables you to do everything you love. Without which it'd be very hard to be you! :D.


She actually writes a passage within the book as a kind of thank you letter to her body, apologising for times when she feels she could have treated it better or with more kindness and then listing all the things she's thankful for. This letter resonated with me so much that I cried - because my relationship with my body started as a loving one, but then became fraught and stretched with the onset of having a chronic illness at 14.


The last few months have been the hardest I've ever had to deal with mentally, and I have no shame in saying it. After finishing A Levels I really felt I was staring into the abyss of "what do I do with my life now?" as University and other things I'd once dreamed of weren't realistic or healthy for me to pursue.


After a few months of trying various anti depressants that really didn't agree with me, and going through the gruelling process of withdrawing from them, ironically I've realised I'm at peace with everything now. It seems so strange to say that, almost like I'm tempting fate, but I'm not. Saying I'm at peace doesn't mean that some days I want to be able to run as fast as I can, stay up into the early hours and do everything a 'well' me could. It just means when I can't, I accept this with true love, compassion and understanding and I rest. With a little prayer and love to God for supporting me in the first place.




For the first time since being diagnosed, I'm ok with having POTS. Because, I wouldn't be me with all the understanding I have now without it. It's the hardest thing I've ever lived through to date but I am so proud of the person its made me become. I am grateful for the lessons it has taught me and I sit here humbly accepting them.


So, with this in mind after reading Fearne's letter in "Happy" I want to do the same.


A Letter to my wonderful body


Firstly,
  I'm really sorry.


I'm sorry for the times I've pushed and pushed you just to fit in with what my busy family expected of me. When i couldn't walk as far as others, but tried to anyway or tried to be as busy as others when you just couldn't keep up. I'm sorry I didn't have room for understanding how hard you were working anyway, even though I could feel it.


I'm sorry when I was so ill I was bedbound that I resisted your plea's to stop, to slow down. I'm sorry  that I went into school and tried to continue and even though some of that pressure came from lack of understanding and situations outside of my control. I'm sorry that when people didn't understand how exhausted you were, that you blamed yourself inwardly. That you asked yourself "Why can't you just work properly?" "Why can't you be like everyne else?". When by being different you have taught me SO so much. I'm so sorry for my cruelness. I am really sorry.


I'm sorry that for years I had a very real feeling of wanting to run from you, free myself from you when you felt tired and weak and sick. I'm even ashamed to admit that I wanted to swap places with anyone else's body in those times. Even after all you'd done for me, all the years of physio to make it easier for me to walk now, all the determination you had to give me the best life. Thank you.


I'm sorry that when you were working at your hardest I said that it wasn't good enough and you should work harder. I'm so sorry lovely. I want to say Thank you from the bottom of my heart for absolutely everything you've given to me from the moment I was born.


I'm sorry that when you find it hard to cool me down, or to keep the blood going up to my heart and brain that I feel embarrassed of how this comes out in me sweating. I'm so sorry I used to get embarrassed of this when all you're doing is trying the best you can to stop me overheating.


I'm sorry that when you can't quite get the blood up to my head quick enough and I became dizzy, tired and forgetful that I put you down or call you "stupid" or "silly" when you actually are AMAZING.


I'm sorry I haven't felt confident enough to stick up for you when no one else had the same symtoms, when they misdiagnosed you when you were simply showing me all the signs that you needed help, that your autonomic nervous system wasn't working properly. I am SO sorry that I would've turned against you myself if I could. In fact that I did for many years and this caused so much anger and sadness against my body and mind. I want to make it clear I never want to do this ever again, if you're telling me something I want to listen. I promise to listen.


Thank you for your resiliance and strength under the most gruelling times I could ever imagine, thank you for standing up and walking in the early days when walking felt like the hardest thing you'd ever had to do. Thank you for still staying "you" even when I told myself that you weren't "you" anymore. I want to say YOU HAVE DONE AMAZINGLY WELL and I'm SO PROUD OF YOU. Always.


I want to say that you inspire me. That in the times I felt so weak I wasn't sure how I was still breathing, that you did everything you could to make it comfortable for me and that was amazing. I think you do so well to manage so much going on inside of you at once, the achiness, the blood pressure, the constantly telling me I need to sit down. It is so tiring for you yet you keep me functioning, quite literally.


I promise to love, care and look out for you for the rest of my days. I promise to put you first body, in everything I do and I hope that when I forget, you can forgive me.


Thank you for everything, I am so proud of you and I'm priviledged that you're mine.


Love always,


Mol xxxxx