How to understand a mate with a chronic illness
Hiya,
I said I while back that I was not going to blog anymore, but I think the exception is when things arise that I think may be worth sharing (or may not I’ll leave that down to you :D)
It’s all a lot to do with having a chronic health condition but I guess if the people around you haven’t got one and people don’t talk openly along the lines of “did you spend your weekend having a wild time picking up your prescription at the pharmacy too??!” - said no respectable 20 year old ever, then I guess the only outlet is to blog.
I’m feeling really lucky and blessed and happy and not writing this as a dwelling post don’t worry, I just wanted to talk about how you accept a mate into your group that has any chronic condition as I’m realising that maybe lack of understanding impacts how a person is perceived.
I’ve recently met the nicest group of gals ever, all of whom ranging from early to late 20s and all being rays of sunshine. Some have travelled, some have had children and some find themselves simply in a different area, and we met through joining a group who go shopping or for coffee etc. What I’ve come to notice is how accepting these girls are.
And then I thought, well they’re just being nice human beings, why haven’t I always felt this accepted by some?
When I first met them didn’t want to talk about the fact I’ve got an illness as I don’t want to be known for that, it’s like saying “I have blue eyes”, it’s a really insignificant part of me and I didn’t for a while, that when some noticed me taking my meds’ I felt obliged to say “these alarms aren’t me sleeping in reaaaaaallly late at various points in the day, I have a condition so I have to take like quite a few a day”
I briefly explained what it was and that I may have to cancel last minute but that would be the reason, and that I’m cool, I know how to manage it and if you see me keep sitting down, it’s not because I’m reliving the nostalgia of musical chairs (what a game, ey), but I’m just resting. Then I quickly changed the topic to something much more interesting - the food we were eating.
Afterwards, we were talking about paying deposits for the various plans we had, in order to make sure that the organiser knows how many people are going to a meet up ( there’s quite a few girls in a big group who meet) and not mess place’s around when booking. This obviously is completely fair, and I agreed that say we deposit £15 to go towards a meal, that if you cancel you get a tenner back but the organiser would keep a fiver as your place has been held (especially true with theatre trips, cream teas etc). I said that this was totally fair and I completely understood, I’d be happy with a tenner back, after all it’s just nice that it’s been organised and it’s so tricky if people keep cancelling, but I added that I may have to cancel the day before or even on the day due to my condition being variable and I’m sorry about this.
To which the lovely main organiser explained for chronic conditions there would be a full refund and that I can just cancel on the day if needed. She said there’s others with chronic conditions and it’s no worries. It may sound so simple to you, to be told this, but I can’t tell you how happy it makes you to be accepted. To know you don’t have to turn up to things really feeling rubbish as you don’t want to let people down at all, or stress of the uncertainty of not knowing if you’ll feel well enough. For the people around you to know you want to meet up so badly anyway, you love a good meal or trip, that you’ll really try to make it and that it wouldn’t be a choice if you couldn’t. This small act made me feel a million times better.
It also made me realise that I shouldn’t be the one feeling like I’ve got to explain myself to others so I thought I’d do a list to stick by if ever you’re mates with someone with any condition really, especially a variable one :). Maybe I’m jumping the gun and underestimating many here, I’m sure you all do these things anyway seeing as I’m only sharing this with friends on Facebook and you’re shocked to think that people wouldn’t always be as accepting and accommodating as possible, but they’re not always. I think this lack of appreciation isn’t always maliciously done, I think most of the time people wouldn’t know how a person feels unless they’ve been ill and maybe I would’ve wanted to read a list like this if I’d have never got ill as it is so hard to know how to be supportive to a person who is compromised in some way.
1) Know that people with health conditions are some of the most truthful, matter-of-fact people you’ll meet. Getting ill reminds you how short life is, it also makes you have to be honest - ie “this hurts, have you got anything to stop it?” and they don’t beat around the bush as much as it seems like a waste of time.
2) On the flip side this also means that you really know if you’re mates with a person with a condition and they are willing to spend limited energy with you, that they really want to.
3) It means that if they say they feel ill, it isn’t a lie to get out of a plan. People who’ve actually felt ill would never lie, if they felt well because they know how blinking awful it is to be ill. They don’t do politeness pragmatics, as they know if they did, people would’ve stopped inviting them out long ago thinking if they don’t show that they just don’t want to hang, which isn’t true.
4) That, to be cliche, the term “isn’t you, it’s me” is really meant. Being mates with a person who is ill means you have to trust all the above things, if the ill person feels you don’t understand or you may get miffed if they cancel, it becomes mega stressful for all involved.
Bottom line? Quit doubting how awesome you are and if a mate of yours is chronically ill and says they can’t come they probably feel ill, or are resting, trying not to feel ill.
Mol x
I said I while back that I was not going to blog anymore, but I think the exception is when things arise that I think may be worth sharing (or may not I’ll leave that down to you :D)
It’s all a lot to do with having a chronic health condition but I guess if the people around you haven’t got one and people don’t talk openly along the lines of “did you spend your weekend having a wild time picking up your prescription at the pharmacy too??!” - said no respectable 20 year old ever, then I guess the only outlet is to blog.
I’m feeling really lucky and blessed and happy and not writing this as a dwelling post don’t worry, I just wanted to talk about how you accept a mate into your group that has any chronic condition as I’m realising that maybe lack of understanding impacts how a person is perceived.
I’ve recently met the nicest group of gals ever, all of whom ranging from early to late 20s and all being rays of sunshine. Some have travelled, some have had children and some find themselves simply in a different area, and we met through joining a group who go shopping or for coffee etc. What I’ve come to notice is how accepting these girls are.
And then I thought, well they’re just being nice human beings, why haven’t I always felt this accepted by some?
When I first met them didn’t want to talk about the fact I’ve got an illness as I don’t want to be known for that, it’s like saying “I have blue eyes”, it’s a really insignificant part of me and I didn’t for a while, that when some noticed me taking my meds’ I felt obliged to say “these alarms aren’t me sleeping in reaaaaaallly late at various points in the day, I have a condition so I have to take like quite a few a day”
I briefly explained what it was and that I may have to cancel last minute but that would be the reason, and that I’m cool, I know how to manage it and if you see me keep sitting down, it’s not because I’m reliving the nostalgia of musical chairs (what a game, ey), but I’m just resting. Then I quickly changed the topic to something much more interesting - the food we were eating.
Afterwards, we were talking about paying deposits for the various plans we had, in order to make sure that the organiser knows how many people are going to a meet up ( there’s quite a few girls in a big group who meet) and not mess place’s around when booking. This obviously is completely fair, and I agreed that say we deposit £15 to go towards a meal, that if you cancel you get a tenner back but the organiser would keep a fiver as your place has been held (especially true with theatre trips, cream teas etc). I said that this was totally fair and I completely understood, I’d be happy with a tenner back, after all it’s just nice that it’s been organised and it’s so tricky if people keep cancelling, but I added that I may have to cancel the day before or even on the day due to my condition being variable and I’m sorry about this.
To which the lovely main organiser explained for chronic conditions there would be a full refund and that I can just cancel on the day if needed. She said there’s others with chronic conditions and it’s no worries. It may sound so simple to you, to be told this, but I can’t tell you how happy it makes you to be accepted. To know you don’t have to turn up to things really feeling rubbish as you don’t want to let people down at all, or stress of the uncertainty of not knowing if you’ll feel well enough. For the people around you to know you want to meet up so badly anyway, you love a good meal or trip, that you’ll really try to make it and that it wouldn’t be a choice if you couldn’t. This small act made me feel a million times better.
It also made me realise that I shouldn’t be the one feeling like I’ve got to explain myself to others so I thought I’d do a list to stick by if ever you’re mates with someone with any condition really, especially a variable one :). Maybe I’m jumping the gun and underestimating many here, I’m sure you all do these things anyway seeing as I’m only sharing this with friends on Facebook and you’re shocked to think that people wouldn’t always be as accepting and accommodating as possible, but they’re not always. I think this lack of appreciation isn’t always maliciously done, I think most of the time people wouldn’t know how a person feels unless they’ve been ill and maybe I would’ve wanted to read a list like this if I’d have never got ill as it is so hard to know how to be supportive to a person who is compromised in some way.
1) Know that people with health conditions are some of the most truthful, matter-of-fact people you’ll meet. Getting ill reminds you how short life is, it also makes you have to be honest - ie “this hurts, have you got anything to stop it?” and they don’t beat around the bush as much as it seems like a waste of time.
2) On the flip side this also means that you really know if you’re mates with a person with a condition and they are willing to spend limited energy with you, that they really want to.
3) It means that if they say they feel ill, it isn’t a lie to get out of a plan. People who’ve actually felt ill would never lie, if they felt well because they know how blinking awful it is to be ill. They don’t do politeness pragmatics, as they know if they did, people would’ve stopped inviting them out long ago thinking if they don’t show that they just don’t want to hang, which isn’t true.
4) That, to be cliche, the term “isn’t you, it’s me” is really meant. Being mates with a person who is ill means you have to trust all the above things, if the ill person feels you don’t understand or you may get miffed if they cancel, it becomes mega stressful for all involved.
Bottom line? Quit doubting how awesome you are and if a mate of yours is chronically ill and says they can’t come they probably feel ill, or are resting, trying not to feel ill.
Mol x
Comments
Post a Comment